I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
