Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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