Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
