Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
