How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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