the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
