Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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