Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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