Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
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