if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
