dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
