Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
