Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
