There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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