Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
