my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
