he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
