So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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