I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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