she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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