I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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