at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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