id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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