So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
you inspire me to be a worse person
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
