Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
