im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I need to stop coming to work sober
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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