I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
