I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
