I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
