Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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