I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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