So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
