I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
