I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
