Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
