Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Randomize
