4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
