God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
