im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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