Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
and you fell through a lawn chair
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
