Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
