Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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