when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
