i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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