i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
