Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Randomize
