HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
