Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I smell like Dick and happiness
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
