Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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