Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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