Who wears a wallet chain?!
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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