This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
