He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
