can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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