I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
