Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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